Wednesday, September 1, 2010

So another big event that happened this summer was the weaning of Brayden. 
I think this story though needs some background so rewind a couple years to when I was pregnant with Brooke.
In preparing for her birth one of the first things you have to discuss is to breastfeed or to bottle feed. As soon as we asked the question,  we wrinkled our noses, said, "Disgusting!" and vetoed that idea. I knew breast milk was the best thing for her but the idea of it really grossed me out. 
Aaron was even more grossed out! Poor thing. 
Well Brooke was born and I tried feeding her.
She rejected me instantly.
We found out later she was tongue tied.
I tried and tried to get her to breast feed because she was only 5lbs and I knew my milk was the best thing for her. 
I ended up pumping for her as long as I could but then had to switch over to full formula.
I was really sad to quit,  but I didn't have alot of breastfeeding support for a tongue tied newborn. My mom, who knows everything about it, was also stumped because of the tongue. I was so stressed and alone since Aaron was back in Italy and Brooke cried and cried and cried. 
Feedinsg were a nightmare because I had to pump and then feed her. 
My best friend Bre came to stay with me for two weeks. I wouldn't have made it through those weeks without her! She sat up with me while Brooke screamed waiting for that bottle. I think I scared her out of having kids ;) My sisters and mom would also take the baby trying to give me a break.
(Can I just say I wish I could live at home for the first weeks every time I have a baby??!! Nothing better than having your Mommy take care of you!)
The bottle and formula brought relief and peace.
No more screaming Brooke and crying Jana.

Fast forward to a big fat pregnant Jana.
No, I am not posting a picture of that pregnant belly! Lets just say after I had Brayden I had 40 personal pounds to loose. Too many Mcgriddles and pizza ;)

I watched the movie the Business of Being Born.
COMPLETELY changed my view on babies
Right there I decided that Brayden was going to be completely different.
I was going all natural
(Brooke was induced, I had two epidurals because the first one didn't work, she slept for days after birth and it took awhile for me to recover)
And I knew I wanted to breastfeed him.
Surprisingly, when I talked to Aaron, He was on board!
He wasn't grossed out. If he was he hid it and supported me.

The Lord allowed me to deliver Brayden naturally. Almost on the I405 bridge, but naturally!
I held him as soon as he came out and my heart melted.
I held him up to eat and the little guy latched on instantly!
In that moment a special bond was formed.
I was thrilled that he actually wanted me!
Until the pain associated with breastfeeding started coming.
Then I wanted a bottle so bad! But I wiped the tears and persevered. 
side note- No one told me that breast feeding hurts almost as bad as a natural delivery! I was sure once I delivered the pain was gone. WRONG!!! hello 3 weeks of MORE pain!!! 

The pain finally went away, my milk came in regularly and nursing was a natural part of my day.
I thought I would only nurse til he was 6 months old. Well that came and went..
He was over a year when I finally started the process!
My heart was starting to break and panic took over.
Every feeding that I cut out I felt emotionally something was being cut off.
I felt if I stopped nursing I would loose that bond.
A bond I longed for with Brookelyn.
I still long for that. She is very independent and not cuddly.
The thought of loosing that special time with Brayden scared me.
I also started panicking about his health and all the allergies he could have by switching to cows milk.
I probably called my mom everyday crying.
She coached me through it step by step.
My arms felt empty as I watched Brayden run away not needing me.
I started getting baby fever.
I cried out to the Lord everyday to help me release the anxiety and just let Bubba go!
And then the peace came.
Brayden was just fine without my milk.
He didn't have any allergic reactions to cow's milk.
He STILL cuddled me.
He will still grab his blankie and bear and crawl into my lap.
The biggest benefit that the Lord opened my eyes to..
Aaron gets a chance to cuddle the baby!
I was so blind to my feelings that I didn't see Aaron's.
He told me he was glad I was done  because now Brayden wanted to cuddle him,
Brayden never cuddled with Daddy.
And it is the sweetest thing to see those two cuddling. 
I still get twinges that I wish I could just feed him.
But I think I will get those feeling the rest of my life.
I fell in love with breastfeeding and the bond it helped me form with my child.
I giggle when I think about how it used to gross me out. 
I thank the Lord for allowing me a second chance with Bubbs.
Brooke was a blessing and the Lord orchestrated every detail, but with Brayden, it was like a second chance to do things the right way. 

1 comment:

Jill said...

ohhh such a sweet post.. I am in that stage enjoying and taking in all the sweet feedings with my big 11 month old.. I feel the same way- so sad it's almost over. I cherish nursing so much as well! And that moment after you hold your baby for the first time and they naturally root for you.. nothing like it.
So glad the Lord changed your mind regarding nursing and it well so well. Maybe the next time around it won't hurt as bad in the beginning! Yikes.